The mother ship bearing down on planet Earth to pick up native son Dick Cheney may get a reprieve tonight from being shot down by the U.S. military, thanks to bad weather in the Pacific. The Pentagon “opened a window of opportunity” earlier today with their secret ray guns, but then two Air Force planes collided over the Gulf of Mexico. That was followed by reports from astrologists predicting dissent in government and worker strife tied to tonight’s lunar eclipse, so the countdown is off, maybe. Don’t worry, though – FEMA is standing by ready to house any victims of the cataclysm in trailers specially treated with hydrazine.
Would somebody please tell me, if that hydrazine stuff is so dangerous as they say, how does blowing up the ship and spreading it across the night sky help us avoid cataclysm? Dick, save us all a lot of trouble and just go home.